Infidelity
What Is Considered Infidelity?
Infidelity is when a person breaks a promise to remain faithful to their romantic partner by having a romantic or sexual encounter with someone outside their relationship. What exactly is considered infidelity varies from person to person, which may cause conflict when partners do not share the same understanding of adultery. For some, any flirtatious interaction is cheating, while for others, cheating is only engaging in sexual contact with another person.
Some believe that emotionally confiding in anyone other than your partner is considered a form of cheating. Called “emotional infidelity,” this form of cheating tends to be more distressing for women, while men view sexual contact as a bigger problem.
Why Do People Cheat?
Studies have shown that people cheat for various reasons. People may cheat because they are finding their relationship unsatisfactory in some way. Cheating is more likely in relationships with dissatisfaction, unfulfilling sex, and high conflict. Others may cheat because of situational factors, such as being placed in a tempting environment.
The motivation to cheat is often outside of the person’s awareness. Through cheating, a person may gain a temporary feeling of empowerment and an adrenaline rush.
Impact of Cheating on the Relationship?
The impact of cheating can adversely affect the relationship. Here are a few examples of what cheating may cause.
Trust Issue
People who have been cheated on find it difficult to trust again. They may carry this fear of being cheated on into new relationships.
Anger/Hurt (betrayal)
Cheating in a romantic relationship can result in feelings of anger and betrayal as it breaches an implicit promise that the person you love cares about your well-being and would never intentionally hurt you.
Intimacy
Infidelity can have harmful consequences on intimacy within a couple. After infidelity is uncovered, couples may find it difficult to be intimate with each other and some stop being intimate altogether.
Mental Health
People who were cheated on can experience serious emotional and psychological distress as a result. They may face anxiety and depression, feel suicidal, or engage in risky behaviors such as alcohol use.
How to Move Beyond Infidelity as a Couple?
To heal from infidelity as a couple involves spending time talking with each other. If a relationship is to survive after an affair, it is imperative that both members of the couple share the commitment to repair the trust.
For the deceiver, the first step to recovering from infidelity as a couple is to end the affair. Next comes reinforcing transparency and openness in the relationship. Additionally, the deceiver must engage in reflection to gain insight into what led the affair to happen. Unearthing deeper motivations can help to grow and move forward.
Recovering from Infidelity (for the deceived)
For the deceived, recovering from an affair requires processing and healing from the pain caused by the betrayal. They are faced with a decision to continue in the relationship or if they want to separate from the deceiver.
If the deceived wants to move forward in their relationship, it is helpful for them to maintain empathy toward their partner. Expressing their emotions to their partner can help as well.
Couples counseling can help in the process of mending the relationship. In addition, each person having an individual therapist is recommended. In therapy, both parties can learn to express their feelings directly to the other partner, rather than acting out.
Each person in the relationship should consider what they want from the relationship moving forward. In this process, they work toward achieving a new relationship and putting to rest the old relationship. The new relationship should involve negotiating the things each person expects from the partnership, as well as self-reflection, collaboration, and ongoing openness and transparency within the couple.
Frequently Ask Questions
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Emotional infidelity is viewed as non-sexual intimacy with someone other than your partner in a manner that violates their trust and expectations.
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Signs of cheating may include:
Protectiveness about electronic devices
Periods of unreachability or inconsistent communication for unknown reasons
Changes in partner’s desire for sex
Inconsistent explanations, lying or withholding information
Changes in schedule or routine for unknown reasons
Friends of partner start acting strange or uncomfortable around you (occurs if friends know about the cheating)
Inconsistent expenses and sudden changes in spending
Partner becomes hypercritical (this occurs as the cheating partner seeks to rationalize their negative behavior)
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Studies have shown that men and women commit adultery at equal rates.
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No, it is not your fault if your partner cheats. To say there is something a person did to cause their partner to cheat is the equivalent of “blaming the victim.” While there may be relationship difficulties present, the person who cheated made an active choice to have an affair. There were alternative options they could have chosen, such as expressing their feelings and communicating about their unmet needs in the relationship, seeking therapy, or ending the relationship.
Disclaimer
The information on this page, or elsewhere on this site, is not intended to take the place of diagnosis, treatment or informed advice from a qualified mental health professional. You should not take or avoid any action without consultation with the latter.
If you would like to talk to a counselor, please click here.
References
Aponte, C. (2020, July 31). Infidelity: Figuring it out. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/marriage-equals/202007/infidelity-figuring-it-out
Brennan, D. (2020, December 22). Signs of cheating. WebMD. https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/signs-cheating
Drexler, P. (2012, November 20). After the affair: The uncertain road to healing. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/our-gender-ourselves/201211/after-the-affair-the-uncertain-road-healing?collection=157440
Hagan, E. (2014, August 18). Why we hurt the ones we love, and let them hurt us. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201408/why-we-hurt-the-ones-we-love-and-let-them-hurt-us?collection=157440
Heitler, S. (2011, November 1). Recovery from an affair: What both spouses need to heal. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201111/recovery-affair-what-both-spouses-need-heal?collection=157440
Hunt, E. (2021, November 1). Emotional infidelity: The devastating, destructive love affairs that involve no sex at all. The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/nov/01/emotional-infidelity-the-devastating-destructive-love-affairs-that-involve-no-sex-at-all
Infidelity. (n.d.). Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/infidelity
Ma, L. (2014, March 26). Why people cheat. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/more-chemistry/201403/why-people-cheat-their-partners?collection=157440
Mayo Clinic Staff. (2021, July 3). Infidelity: Mending your marriage after an affair. Mayo Clinic. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424
Mbabazi, D. (2019, September 13). Relationships: The daunting impact of infidelity. New Times. https://www.newtimes.co.rw/lifestyle/relationships-daunting-impact-infidelity
Wedge, M. (2013, September 18). After the infidelity: Can counseling help? Psychology Today https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/suffer-the-children/201309/after-the-infidelity-can-counseling-help?collection=157440
White, M. D. (2010, May 1). Adultery: What should the betrayed spouse do? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/maybe-its-just-me/201005/adultery-what-should-the-betrayed-spouse-do?collection=157440